- You want to make things worse for the next generation.
I know, I know…I can already hear you saying, “We should be building the passive house way so that we leave a lighter footprint on the planet and make it livable for future generations!” Yuck! I mean, look…you’ve paid your dues – worked jobs, raised kids, paid taxes and your children have done nothing. Why do we owe them anything? If they want a better world, that’s their problem.
Why should we be bothered with ozone problems, climate problems, or landfill problems? When we’re gone it’s not going to affect us anyhow, so it sounds like someone else’s problem to me! When these problems become planet-threatening, I’m sure the babies can figure it out on their own, right?
- You love your allergies and asthma.
I don’t know about you, but there’s no better feeling than waking up in the morning with a throat full of mucus. I love the sound my throat makes when I can barely breathe due to pollen allergies and asthma constriction. My friends, Cody and Lisa Farmer, told me that in a passive house - having airtight construction in your home plus the ERV unit (energy recovery ventilation) - takes out virtually all of the pollen and other seasonal allergens and creates breathable air. Breathing clean air is for nerds, and if having a passive house home makes me miss out on the thrill of almost dying with every breath, then count me out!
- You enjoy the smell and feel of stale air and bodily odors.
Having smelly pets and Grandpa Marvin’s typical bathroom blow-ups after burrito night are two of the great joys in life! And on days when I can’t enjoy those odors, I definitely enjoy the smell of air that’s staler than moldy bread. Those are the smells of home! I can just smell the memories now – my son’s sweaty gym socks on the floor, my daughter’s pounds of cheap perfume, my husband’s creative urine deposits on the toilet….ahhhh – memories! I hear that one of the “upsides” of the ERV unit is that it reduces these odors in the home. Why would anyone ever want to DO that?! If having a passive house home means that I have to miss out on these precious memories, then I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I know you agree.
- You LOVE paying large heating and AC bills.
If you’re like me, you wait with bated breath for your heating and electricity bills. I can’t wait to pay them each month! It’s like opening presents on Christmas morning, only better because they come once a month and they are HUGE! I mean bigger than my Christmas tree, huge. And, yeah, I suppose if I were to be able to keep some of that money I could use it for stuff for my kids, more date nights, or towards a vacation, but then I would miss the thrill of those soul-crushing bills each month! I like to surprise myself each month by guessing how much it will be when I open it. Sometimes I open my email thinking – “this month it’s probably $200” only to find out that it’s actually more like $350! How exciting, am I right? It’s like gambling at a casino, except that I get to do it from the comfort of my home! I mean, sure, I lose every time, but it’s all about the thrill! I’ve heard that people with a passive house home in Colorado usually don’t have to pay any heating or electrical bills each month because their airtight home, ERV unit, and solar panels provide all of the energy they need at a fraction of the cost. There’s no fun in that! I mean…where’s your spirit of adventure?!
- Being constantly too cold or too hot is super popular right now.
My home is a unique mix of 55°-90°…depending on the day and season. And I’m ok with that. In fact, it’s a lot of fun cause it’s almost like being able to travel to different hemispheres of the world all within one year. In the winter it’s like I’m outside with a research team in the North Pole, and in the summer it’s like I’m riding a camel through the Sahara Desert! See, I get to be a globe trotter just by living in my leaky, unstable home! Again, it’s all about the thrill of adventure! Plus, sweating in your underwear in the summer makes you glisten like an Instagram model while winter allows you to be able to wrap yourself in layers of long-johns, sweaters, and giant blankets which is a look that was all the rage on the runways of Milan this year! Like I said, being super sweaty or being close to frostbite is super fashionable, right now. And if you’re going to tell me that the ERV unit in a passive house will keep my home at a specific comfortable temperature of my choosing, I’m out. I swear these passive house people are just trying to ruin my sense of adventure and squash my sense of style. Thieves, all of them.
If you’re interested in more ways to be kind to the environment and save money, you can check out how we can apply passive house principles to your home, church, office, apartment, library, maintenance building, or upload your plan sets so that you can reduce your energy bills to nearly nothing per month! We provide passive house services for: passive house Colorado, passive house Wyoming, and passive house Nebraska. In addition, breathe clean and easy with Airtight and Ventilation solutions at mainstreamcorporation.com we ship all over the place! We exist for the sole purpose of helping the world build healthier wealthier and wiser!
PS - Looks like this guy had a very...umm..."revealing" look at a passive house from a different angle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms9piTYk2Os&feature=youtu.be
Dear Reader: This is obviously satire, but I’m leaving this disclaimer statement here in tiny writing, just in case you didn’t get that. ????